I remember the last time I was facing down the possibility of homelessness. That sinking feeling that persisted every waking moment. That dark cloud over my head that no sun could pierce. It felt like drowning. It tore me apart mentally. I never recovered I think. I never confronted those feelings. Just pushed them away when I got a living space. With everything going on in the world, the thoughts returned. I have rent for June covered, but that's it. No more money after that. No safety net. No backup plan. My sister offered her place, but she's jobless too. She has 3 kids, and I don't want to add onto that.

Maybe I like living alone because I never grew up. Being around other people means having to think about others. Maybe I'm selfish. I like my personal space. Too much I think. Never had a lot of friends to bring over, so never needed to share my space. Parents tried, but I was always antisocial. I have plenty of online friends. Good people I can talk to. Where I live? Nobody. I won't say I'm alone, but I'm close. I never leave my apartment unless I need to. It's going to be my downfall. Maybe my loneliness is why I love writing. It lets me create the life I wish I could have. The world I could live in. The place I could be happy.

I wish I could take the things I write here, and say them. Everyone around me is struggling, and I won't add to their plate. I'm stubborn like that. There's a million things I should be doing to fix my life, but here I am. At my computer. The one place where things make sense. Ones and zeros. Computers always made more sense to me than people. They change when you want them too. I go onto Reddit, and read of people who talk about AI bots like they're friends. Maybe I would've been one of them in a different life.

This blog. This page. This website. It's cathartic. I can't think of a single place where I've been so honest. Not even in my journals as a kid. I know that it's no replacement for a therapist, but it'll do. A void to yell into with few echos. It's nice. So, thank you Newgrounds. For being the space I need. I am but a drop in the ocean that is the internet. Though the ripples I create are nice to watch.